Sad Post.

My friend died. It was 5 years ago. I just heard about it.

I'm brooding, and I feel selfish, and don't want to talk about it.

She was a sweet angel. And very attractive. And kind of a little sister to me. She was lil' Deb. She was an intellectual, and an accomplished artist, so creative! ..and a teacher, an organizer of massive projects to improve arts and education, super-smart, funny, brassy, and always nice. And she was a sweet-ass hesher chick. She knew how to wear a rock t-shirt and make it look bad-ass but not overt. She was a lady.

I've thought about her a lot over the years, and it's always been, "I wonder what happened to her?" - and, "man, was I a dumbass to be such a gentleman to her because she earned my respect so much." - see, selfish and greedy thoughts... I don't want to concentrate on this. I want to commemorate her. She deserves it. She deserved everything. She embodied everything I support and aspire to be. I know it sounds like I'm being generous here, but she really did represent an ideal, if not to me, to humanity, or at least to the good side of humanity. She was important. and she mattered to me. and it really hurts that I find out years later that she has passed. and I'm being selfish again because I really want her to be around again. I want to tell her how much I loved and admired her.

I've cried a lot tonight. I know I write a lot of funny stuff. This is harsh. Death sucks. Even years after they are gone. and mourning feels wrong? why? why do I feel guilty for feeling bad? I don't get this...

I think.. if I had spent more time with this person, my life may be improved from what it is now... even though I am happy with my life now... it's all about missed opportunities. I didn't get the chance to say what I wanted to say, so I'm sad. Am I sad that she's gone? of course. is this the traditional response? and if it is, why am I angry with myself?

Because I loved her. That's why. There's nothing rational about love. and I'm crying about missed chances.

I don't know what else to say.

loveyabye.

Frank