Trip to Indio for Big 4

Day 1:

I woke up at 6:30am, showered, found coffee, bought ice and beverages for the road, then packed all my stuff into a cab and headed down to Zeitgeist to meet up with my crew. I was extra careful to grab EVERYTHING I needed. When my cab got to the corner before my destination and I reached for my wallet, I realized - DAMN! I forgot my jacket! That's important! It had my ticket for the show, my wallet, my weed, and several other things in its myriad of pockets that would have made this trip impossible. So... I took the cab back home, got my jacket (Still forgot my hoodie, woulda come in handy those cold desert nights) and headed back to ZG again. As I got dropped off, I ran into Derek outside walking down to the rental van to show it off - he was about a block away and had his back turned to me, so I whistled a couple times for his attention then started kicking my coolers toward the door of the Zeit'. DD turned around and saw me and helped me get all the stuff to the van. Burden unloaded, we head back to zeitgiest for a pre-road beer. Inside I meet Charlie, Nate, Dereks friend Sev, and we're all wondering where Scott is. Turns out he's being responsible and on his way back from bank so we don't have to stop on the way out of town. Go Scottie!

After some sitting in the sun outside, smoking, drinking a cool refreshing breakfast beer, and excitedly chatting about how much fun this is going to be, Scott shows up, and we have another chimney of beer, get a shot of Underberg in us, then Charlie buys 24 individual bottles of Underberg for the trip. Call it tradition. Nate and Scottie also got a leg of Herraduras for arrival.

Then we all load up, find our seats, and hit the road. The rental was REALLY nice; fold down tv screens for every row of seats (we never used them, but nice to know they were there), ample seating, not much foot-room in the back, but if you straddle the seat in front of you it's like a recliner. Besides some lumbar support issues, the backseats were nice too, and reclined into almost laying down position. Derek is an excellent driver, I never once felt nervous about the way he handled that vehicle. Charlie figured out how to hook his iPod into the aux-in plug (luckily DD brought a patch cable, I had planned on it, but forgot mine) and we had a big four playlist all ready to go. OK, so maybe Charlie didn't finish his playlist, but all the bands were on there, so, good enough, we have a DJ!

It was pretty loud and windy in the back, and I struggled for what seemed like hours to pop open a side vent - turns out the only way to do it was a button by the drivers seat - but there was no communication between the front and back seats due to sound barrier, so I quietly endured. Then we found an In'n'Out burger joint, something we had planned on visiting since we started talking about the trip. Everyone was happy to be out of the ride for a minute, but then there we were, back on the road again. Time to bust out the Pure Kush.

The Pure Kush: I brought two kinds of weed for the trip, Sour Flower, and Pure Kush, the latter obviously being the superior, though option 2 was not bad either. We sampled some of the Kush and then we got lost in window-views of roads and mountains and windmills for several hours while Derek diligently drove. and METAL! ...I'll get back into the pure Kush on Day 2.

Then we all got hungry again and pulled off to a burger king for nuggets and stuff. After we got our food and ate in the parking lot, I pulled out the secret stash of 3 beers I had hidden under all the ice. The boys were happy, even if it was Miller Lite, it was so cold and we had all not had a drop of alchohol pass our lips since 9:20 that morning, so it was nice to get a refresher. I think it was about 3pm. The rest of the ride was a straight shot, except for one bathroom break. More windmills and mountains. Still windy in the back, but I'm used to it by now, and so are my new tornado-styled dreadlocks.

and then... ARRIVAL! We met with our "landlord" for the weekend, Ed, on his tricked out golf-cart, and he escorted us to our Condo at about 60mph. I wanted to tell him he's not escorting a pregnant woman to the ER, but he couldn't hear me screaming it out the window. We parked and he gave us a tour, and he was a very nice and affable man. He even told us we could stay a 3rd night free if we wanted, since he had no one else scheduled for a week. The condo was immaculate, Beautiful interior, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, smallish kitchen, but nice appliances, and a very cool living room/dining room combo area. And the patio was nice too, shaded area, gas grill, nice umbrella patio table and chairs set, and couple nice lounge chairs and couch. So, we settled in, got all of our stuff out of the car, and headed off to do some grocery/provisions shopping. Back in the car, even tho my tailbone hurt from bumping up against the seat for 9+ hours.

Returned from shopping with enough stuff to fully stock our fridge, everyone picked their own steak, we got breakfast stuff for the next morning, Nate made a salad, someone else was grilling corn, and we were all preparing our steaks to get thrown on the grill. We hooked up some asparagus for the grill too. Damn! forgot my grilling basket. We made do by just grilling them on foil with butter. and then the steaks went on, and each person watched their own steak. We only had one pair of barbeque tongs, so most of us just manned up and used our fingers (hey, we've all worked in foodservice and have unburnable fingers.) Everything came out awesome, so we all sat down, had our meals, and were sated.

I climbed on top of a 5 foot wall on the patio to retrieve some of the "Strange Fruit" from the tree in the neighbors yard. I had to stand on one foot, on tip-toes, to just barely reach it, but I retrieved it successfully, if you don't look at all the scratches up my arm from the thorny branches defending their fruit. Then we compared it to the size of Nate's head - then someone sliced it up and we all sampled it. It looked like a giant lemon, then when sliced open it looked like a grapefruit, but it tasted like neither, not at all bitter, and very sweet and soft. My friend suggests that it may be a palmello. To me it will always be "StrangeFruit."

More Pure Kush. and more beer. Some of us got tired and trotted off to bed, and the rest tried to play poker, but it's pointless if you're not gambling, so we switched to crazy 8's - basically Uno with regular cards, but we were all buzzed enough at that point that the easier to play the game, the better, so we did shots, drank beer, ripped bonghits and played cards until we all got tired.

Time for bed, and the end of Day 1 - I had planned on sleeping on the floor on a ground pad with my sleeping bag, but charlie told me he'd share his bed, so I slept on the right side in my sleeping bag (because I get accidental boners in my sleep,) and kicked all the blankets over to his side. He's a good sleeping partner, not too big, doesn't snore that I noticed, and doesn't move around a lot. I slept right through the night.

Day 2:

I was one of the first up and made coffee, then within minutes everyone else was up. Pure Kush again. Now where did those last couple hours go? We cooked an outstanding breakfast - DD made home fries/hash browns, and I made some garlic spinach and very cheesy scrambled eggs, while Nate made a plethora of bacon. I'm sure there was another course, but I forgot to take a pic cause I was so hungry, and now it's lost forever. Then we all kinda had our mornings. I smoked and drank beers outside most of the morning, switching between the hot sun and the shady part of the patio as often as needed. It was HOT in the morning, but nice and cool inside - I didn't care, I wanted to be outside. After a couple hours of just sitting we still had a couple hours before the show, and Scott and Derek took off to get more provisions so we would have stuff after the show, so me and Nate headed for the pool.

The pool was cold! It seriously took us about 10 minutes just to get submerged up to our shoulders. Then Nate dived in and I took a couple slow laps from side to side in the pool while I tried not to think about my nuts shrivelling up to inside my pelvis. Nate started swimming long laps and diving from the side, while I just stood there in water up to my midsection, stoned and snow-blind. It was so bright, all I could do was look at the bright refractions on the bottom of the pool. I was too stoned to go underwater - I feared I might forget to hold my breath - so I walked around on the shallow end of the pool until I was ready to get out. By this time Charlie had shown up and just dived in - so brave! I parked myself on a poolside lounge chair for a few minutes to soak up some sun, but it wasn't enough, so I headed back to the condo for a hot shower to help my nuts drop back into position.

Got out of the nice hot shower, my anatomy once again intact and in it's right place. So we had a couple beers, drank tons of water, then it was time to go to the show. I had stashed some waters in the freezer to walk with, so everyone had a cold drink in hand and we set off. It was a long, windy, dusty walk, I think about 3 miles. Just about the time we hit the admissions gate I realized I had forgot to put deodorant on, and I was getting kinda ripe, but oh well, I wouldn't be the only one in that crowd. At least it was outdoors.

I didn't bring any contraband, but the guy who searched me was mystified and a little irritated as to why I had about $20 in quarters in my pocket (so was I - I had just forgot to dump my change before heading to the show) - he was so mystified, in fact, that he forgot to look at my hat, which I had put all the other stuff in my pockets in so they could search it more efficiently. I guess I could have brought contraband if I wanted. Oh well, I'm not walking back now.

So we got in the show, all met up, and kept in touch with cellphones as to location. Charlie needed to wait in line at the first merch tent he saw, so we lost him for a bit. We all agreed on meeting spots between sets in case we got split up, but most of the show all of us were together. It was a HUGE field, and Anthrax was just starting - they played a bunch of my favorites, and they were really good, but it was loud enough to go walk around and get beers and find some other friends who were supposed to be there. Me and DD trekked over to find the Noodle, and there he was, in all his resplendent glory with his pretty companion, tripping balls with his tiny Cerebrus Sunglasses on. There was a funny story about getting past security, that I will save for another time and his permission to tell, but for now, let's just say it was legendary and to be expected from the Noodge...

We went back and found the rest of our party, Anthrax finished soon after, and we hiked over to the biggest tent to find beers and shade before the next set. YAY! for $10 beers! It doesn't matter when you're thirsty. I think at the end of the day I really only spent about $60 on beers, as the boys were buying them for me too.

My hair was like a woven net around my head by this time, with the wind, the sweat, the dirt, and the headbanging, it could no longer move about freely on it's own. Oh well, one less thing to worry about for the rest of the day.

Megadeth was up next - I gotta say, they did a great job - at this point a few joints had gone around and I was pretty stoned, so I managed to grab one photo and just zoned out on the music - I couldn't give you a set list because I was kinda of out of it by then with the sun and the weed and the beers. But I was stoked to be there, and surrounded by awesome friends, and it was turning into one of the best shows of my life.

I took a hike by myself to go find Marin and Daniel - they were with some Irish friends/traveling companions, and one of their friends was doing this weird slow hippie dance to Megadeth... uhm, ok, but this ain't how we do it in America, buddy. They didn't want to get any closer up front, so we had our greetings and hugs and handshakes and I went back to find my group. I was glad they labelled all of the speaker-towers, because it made it much easier to remember where everyone was.

I think the male to female ratio was about 1000:1 - LOTTA DUDES! The pits were kinda lame, everyone just running around in circles and no real contact. Half the people there weren't even old enough to remember when the Big 4 were starting their first tours. But I wasn't there for the people, I was there for the music. And the music RULED!

Another break from sets, and we hiked back over to our big white tent, had a couple more beers, swapped stories about our other friends that were there, and had a nice break in the shade. Just as the sun reached the horizon, Slayer started getting on stage.

SLAYER!!!!! They stole the show! WOW! Blown away! Not just the loudest band, but the most precise. They killed it. I'll never forget.

The boys were all headbanging as hard as they could, but I have a different method, where most of the banging I do all comes from my calves, so I don't wake up with whiplash the next day. It worked, and I was banging with the best of them.

And then another break, the sun was down, and it was starting to get a little chilly. I saw a very young, very thin girl in the tiniest bikini, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. It didn't seem like she had any other clothes, no purse or backpack. Oh well, she made her choice. Bet she learned a lesson.

And then, Metallica. Eh. not the biggest fan, not because they don't rock, but because they all act like douches a lot more than other metal bands - but WOW, did they put on a show. I was a little disappointed that they mostly chose the slower ballads to play, but WTH, it's Metallica, strap yourself in and enjoy. They had some great pyrotechnics and fireworks, and it really was a good show. I could tell most of the people there only cared about Metallica, because then all the cams came out, everybody was on everybody elses shoulders, and we really couldn't see the stage anymore, but cool, my ankles and calves were still good for some more trashing, so that's what I did. The GIANT screens really showed off the important stuff on stage anyway.

And then, All Four Bands! got up on stage and played together. What song did they play? Hell if I know. I was pretty loose by then. And then Metallica did a couple encore songs, but we were all starting to head to the gates. Caught up with the boys by the first merch booth, and we headed out. Charlie may have the shortest legs, but once we hit the main road, he was just GONE. And he took Scott and Nate with him, I presume he carried them both on his back during his boost of super-speed. So me, Derek, and Sev all sauntered back to the condo with dust and hair whipping into our eyes, and on arrival more weed was smoked, more beers were drank, and more stories swapped. At some point I wound up in bed, because that is where I found myself the next morning.

Day 3:

Woke up with black dirt crusted all around my eyes. I was sure I washed my face before bed, but there it was. Time to wash that off and make the coffee. People were getting up gradually, so breakfast was starting to be made. We nuked the leftover hashbrowns from the day before (mixed with some sprigs of uneaten spinach), made a bunch more bacon, and Nate and Scott went to work on making french toast. Scott fried up some bananas to put on the french toast, and fresh fruit and berries were on the side. Delicious and manly breakfast. Now I am going to go make my Easter family/friend calls outside in the shade while I get stoned and smoke cigarettes. Just squeaked those in before my phone died.

Time to start loading up for the trip back home. There was some deliberation as to whether we should stay another night, but 3 of our 6 people had to work Monday, so we decided it was time to wave goodbye to our lovely condo. Goodbye condo! Goodbye very low shower-heads (I had to shower on my knees)! Goodbye Strange Fruit! Goodbye ballshrinking swimming pool! Goodbye Hot-Rod Ed! Goodbye Throw-away Bong! Goodbye refrigerator that barely kept our beer cold enough. You will all be missed.

Loaded up and road ready, we head over to Santa Monica Pier, an hour or two away, for a delicious oceanside lunch. I slept a little on the way. I had the chimicangas and they were JUST what I wanted, tho I didn't know that at the time I had ordered it. Providence! I sampled Charlies ceviche too - very good, just the way I like it, not too limey. All fat and happy, we walk down the old site of muscle beach and pile back in the car for the rest of the ride home.

It was a nice ride, I read a book until it got dark, then busted out my NDS to play some Golden Sun - Charlie musta played about 300 games of solitaire on his smartphone. It was dark, and there was nothing else to do, and Nate was our DJ now, since Charlie was in back with me. I also remembered to bring a rolled up towel for lumbar support, so I was not near as sore from the ride home as the one down there. A couple of pee-stops later, I was home, jacked up on Mountain Dew Code Red (the cherry flavor really doesn't hide the fact that it's Dew.) I sat down, turned on my TV, unpacked the various coolers, stayed up for a few hours, updated my facebook status so everyone knows I'm still alive, then finally went to bed.

The trip is over, but the memories will always remain. Best concert trip I've ever had in my entire life. Charlie, Scott, Derek, Nate, and Sev - I fuckin love you guys. Thanks so much for every little thing.

kloveyabye! And if Big Four happens again next year, let's ALL go. We'll take that thing over.

~Frank

Readying up for Big Four.

I know, it's only a weekend, and the show is only one night, and it's not gonna be near as crowded or boring or lame or LONG as coachella, but I still have to prepare. So here's a list of things I need to have ready and/or bring.

• Sunscreen! very important. I burn easy, and sunstroke is the worst, so lots of water too.
• Sleeping bag. Why not? It's gonna be hot as hell, but maybe I WANT to sleep on the floor. To me, it's not a vacation unless you're roughing it. Maybe I'll bring a pillow too. ..and a teddy bear.
• Clean laundry. Maybe I'll get around to washing some.
• Money: it buys things, if it wasn't for that, I'd hate it.
• My laptop? Should I? I'm afraid it'll get ripped off, and it's EVERYTHING to me. But it'd be nice to stay in touch.
• Binoculars. General admission. Good idea.
• My second favorite weed pipe. and some weed.
• A personal cooler. Packed with nothing but ice. I doubt it will be easy to buy in the DESERT.
• A deck of cards.
• My hackeysack. It's metal shot filled, so flat but so heavy, and perfect for even a novice to stall.
• Every cool new movie I own. and all my best music. (contingent on laptop)
• Swim trunks - I heard there's a pool?
• My Nintendo DS and my iPod and a cool book I borrowed from my friend Chris - road trip? I promise not to be bored.
• Extra beer - ya know, in case we run out.
• Some of my best friends, and some people I don't know all that well but love just the same. It'll be a good bonding weekend.

I'll be looking forward to it all week. STOKED!

kloveyabye, thanks for going over my checklist with me, be sure to comment on anything I may have missed. Don't say condoms, cause I'm using fake names only this weekend. Wish me luck through this workweek and that I don't have any serious sausage-related injuries.

Sincerely,

Heckles Von Twinkleoffve.

Feeling Funny: Part 1

When people say, "I feel funny," it's never in a good way - it usually means they've been poisoned, are coming down with a major illness, or maybe they're just extremely oxygen deprived. Not so for me; I feel funny all the time. I crack myself up. It's an amazing feeling. It also helps when someone else gets a good laugh out of it.

It's not all shits and giggles tho. It is a RESPONSIBILTY. It comes to be expected, and then the pressure is on when I'm not feeling funny. Someone will say something stupid and everyone else looks at me expectantly, knowing I MUST have some clever and entertaining way to mock or degrade the original speaker, and I got nothin'... It happens sometimes!  The worst is the delayed comeback - sometimes my brain just takes a few seconds/minutes/hours to react, and then it's too late, and the effect is lost. It's not just the subtle sarcasm that's lost on the victim while apparent to the observer(s) that makes it funny, but another huge part of it is timing. These things are important. I need to be like a cobra. Or some kind of scorpion, but not a desert scorpion, cause it's too hot and my lips chap easily. Or maybe a jellyfish or some kind of feral beaver or something... I dunno, something that strikes fast then sits back and cackles at the result.

Vanity and pride is a huge part of good humor. You have to feel really good about yourself to crack wise about others and consistently pull it off. You can't just repeat the same insult back to somebody 5 minutes after they said it to you and feel good about yourself. Originality is key. Unless you're doing it to be ironic. Then it counts. Having a few extra IQ points over your opponent never hurts either.

Another important thing is to exploit all weaknesses. Don't be shy, everyone knows what's wrong with the person and why it's funny. Even if the person in question secretly cries about it when no one is looking. It's not against the rules if you get at least one laugh from the room and no one dies of shock. It's also helpful because consciousness of ones faults is the key to either correcting them (look! you helped someone!) or driving them deeper into the hole, which leads to potential quality comedy interactions later.

Mimicry is another big part of it. If you can make funny voices, listen for a friend's voice to crack, or for them to stumble over words while they tell a story, or mispronounce something, or just say something stupid that is completely not factual, then repeat it back to them with the same inflections and intonations, and wait for hilarity to ensue. Or tell them it sounds like they're choking on a bag of dicks when they talk. Or make fun of their wandering eye. Whatever feels cleverest at the moment...

I hope I have enlightened you and provided cannon fodder for your next opportunity to have a little fun at someone elses expense. I titled this Part 1, figuring I'll come up with some more gems to help improve your view of the term, "feeling funny."

kloveyabye! I can't come to the door right now because I'm shaving my cat.

~Frank

Burger Day Explained.

Hi there, welcome to this blog, I'm your host, Snap.

I'm here to explain burger day to the thousands of unknowing, uncool people who ask me what it is all the time.

Let's start here. Burger day isn't an event, it's not a get-together, it's not a speakeasy secret club, nor a celebrity roast, it's a phenomenon! I feel lucky to be a part of it. You know how you feel like your job isn't that cool because you are just there to serve others and just get through the day so you can have a nice life and pay rent and stuff? I guess my job is not like that (I do pay rent and stuff tho, but that's fine). I serve others, sure, and of course some, if not all, customers can be an ass sometimes. I think they have a secret ticket machine somewhere and wait for their number to be called and then they meet ME. The best thing about my job though, is the people I work with, They are family, in fact, even more than family, I can build up and break down in front of them and no one resents me for it. You can't do that with family.

On to the burgers: We really put a lot of effort into building these masterpieces. Each burger starts as a half-pound meatball, usually about a 80/20 lean fat combo. We have special onion rolls made just for us. In the morning before we open we spend over an hour and a half just preparing, slicing rolls, tomatoes, onions, lettuce, toasting rolls, rolling meat into 8oz. balls, prepping the grill, stocking the cooler, rotating stocks, and listening to metal. By the time 11:30 rolls around, there are usually about 20-50 people lined up outside, the ones at the end of the line are completely happy to wait 40 minutes to an hour for one burger. There's a bar next door. Toronado, the single best beer bar in the city. If you can't be happy waiting there you can't be happy anywhere, especially when Johnny, Alene, or Stu are working.

My usual job after opening is to prep all the veggies and breads, set up the burgers per order, 12 at a time, until we're done. It's not fun, it's not a game, and lots of people stare at me. My new favorite line is, "You know, most mammals interpret being stared at as a sign of aggression, including humans. Including me." - it's really the only thing that bothers me. Like, "when did this become socially acceptible? I didn't get that memo." - it's not the staring so much as the dumb-faced scrutinization and wanton look like being sad-eyed towards me will make me work faster (it actually slows me down, I get distracted because I like the attention) - BUT! I digress. It IS fun, my co-workers make sure of that, be it Charlie, Scott, Marin, Derek, Jamie, Adam, Keegan, or even Christine! These are all faces from the burger days of my recollection. And Sergio and Nate make special guest appearances too! Sometimes I cook the burgers too, I'm pretty good at it :)

More on burgers: We cook them exactly as you like them, all the temperatures, from rare to well, we'll even burn it or leave it bleeding if you sign a waiver. We pop them onto a fire grill, sprinkle a little salt and pepper on there, grill them, flip them, then add a nice aged cheddar (no other cheese choice, just cheddar.) Then we dress up toasted onion rolls with a special love of pickles, grilled onions, ketchup, brown mustard, lettuce, tomato, and whatever else you may ask for (chili, hot or sweet peppers, mango chutney, kraut, etc.) - We make about 160, including ours, and we serve our regular menu of sausages throughout the day - sometimes vegans come in and don't care that the entire grill is covered in meat, they order a veggie sausage anyway; I think they like the smell (but don't worry, there's always a section of our grill that never touches meat, I can't say the same about wheat tho!) - sometimes people come in and balk at a 10 minute wait for a burger! I say, "You realize most people wait up to an hour on tuesdays, right?" - they order a sausage instead, which takes about 3 minutes less if there's no wait for either. Fine.

The best part is all the people who have "never had one, but always heard about it" - these people leave astounded and addicted.  And they always thank us, and almost always leave an extra tip.

At about 2-2:30 pm we run out, then I have to do a bunch of stuff to turn us back into a sausage grill. Burger day takes 3 people. Sausage takes 1 or 2 people, and different setup. It's always a rush to get it converted. You'd think I'd say, "whew, burgers are done, now I can relax!" - nope, I have to wash every dirty dish, stock peppers and clean surfaces, move a buncha stuff around, chop a shit-ton of onions, and finish drinking whatever beers are left in the cooler for me. OH! and serve customers, STILL?!?! won't they ever STOP ordering? Then 4:30 rolls around and I'm like, "eff you guys, I'm goin' to the bar! and is my burger ready yet?"

And that's the whole story. Read at risk of it being edited later.

kloveyabye! and that's why the fish can't swim.

Frank

It's late and I may wax philosophical.

[EDIT: I dressed it up with some videos.]

Where is this universe going? What's the big hurry? You know we're hurtling through space at thousands of miles a second and aren't even conscious of it most of the time? We're zooming around the center of the earth at about Mach 1.4 (I just made a sonic boom right here in my chair) and that's just our mantle orbiting around our core. Then there is the earth moving around the sun - that is 66.6 thousand miles per hour. Then the sun orbits around the center of our galaxy about every 250 million years, at a measly 447,000 miles per hour. Then, to complicate matters, the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies are approaching each other at about 250 miles a second, roughly 900,000 mph. And! the whole shebang is hurtling through unknown space at incomprehensible speeds that we have no way of even measuring. I just hope you've all buckled your seatbelts.

How about those oceans? Deep huh? Not really, not when you think of it sloshing around at mach 1.4, simultaneously being hurtled through space at who knows what speed. It's the tiniest drop in the most thimble like bucket. In any case, it makes me feel about as small as I ever have. There are thousands of life forms we haven't even seen because we can't go that deep. Still, it's not limitless, like space; once you hit bottom, that's it. So there may be some new glowing blind vaguely fish-like anomaly on the floor of the ocean at it's deepest point, but it's not really THAT interesting, because who knows what the fuck is out in space. And why would glowing be important if you're blind? Some things about this planet I just don't get.

And then there is this whole micro-cosmos. As we zoom in closer and closer to things, we get more and more detail. It brings to mind an old comic book I read, where some shrinking hero shrunk down below the atom and saw that there were planets, beings, life, and power-hungry assholes in the micro-verse, just like everywhere else. Imagine that. Maybe we're just floating around in some soon to be rapidly accelerated macro-organism in some unseen colossal order from Taco Bell. Finally! We have a purpose!

There goes another sonic boom.

On that note, good night, see you tomorrow, if the hamster is running on the wheel of your mind at over 1,000,000 mph, that's not my fault. Blame the universe.

kloveyabye,

~Frank

Answers to questions.

• Yes.
  
• No.
  
• Maybe.
  
• Depends on if it's Friday.
  
• Only if you throw in a free blender.
  
• I'll do it tomorrow.
  
• No habla englaise?
  
• Have we met?
  
• Was that a question?
  
• *burp*
  
• I'm lonely, keep talking to me.
  
• What is the gross national product of China?
  
• Hold that thought while I read this important informative brochure! *starts eating a ham sandwich*
  
• I'm on break!
  
• Harry Carey! Did I win?

that is all, thanks for your interest. kloveyabye!

Frank

A peek into Snap.

*yawn*

Was an amazing night at work tonight! ...by amazing I mean we didn't work too hard and I didn't seriously offend anyone. It was still work and it was, well. work. I love my co-workers and the customers were kinda cool tonight too.

I thought a lot about coming home to write in my new blog tonight when I got off work, but instead I went to facebook and posted this video:

I'm still a bit clunky around blogs, and I'm well familiar with html and posting links and stuff, but at the moment I am feeling lazy so here's a big string of random parameters that may or may not lead to something useful - you can click on it if you're so inclined.

I like blogging, as it's often hard for me to post a "quick little snippet of my life," without expounding on every angle and detail of why I think thoughts I think, or why I didn't think what you may have thought I thought, or why I thought I thought what I thought at the time, but turns out I later thought my thoughts may have been wrong, etc. - which makes facebook ridiculously hard to use, as I have to cut and edit everything I want to say until it becomes, "I like cheese, so I bought some; instant message me for details."

Here it's like I can really PUNISH you with every insane little thing that comes into my wobbly mickle brain. There's a lot of stuff going on in there. Once you get used to my writing style, you'll notice I pose a lot of completely valid questions, not as an avenue to vent "my perfect answer," but more a way of stimulating you, the reader, into trying to see things my way and wonder why I posed the questions I did. I don't expect it to make you smarter, or make you understand the universe better, or anything like that. I do, however, expect you to at least appreciate from reading this why my mind gets to use the carpool lane. I have PASSENGERS. You may be one of them.

I hope you've read this far and not learned a single thing. I have nothing to teach and BEG of you to walk away with nothing from this. It is an anti-adventure. The voices I hear do not bear repeating.

with that said, thanks for your kind pity and empathy, and walk proudly knowing that you're not THIS GUY.

kloveyabye! I'm gonna turn the lights up and examine my vagina in a hand-mirror.

~Frank

Ponderification.

As I sit here sipping coffee (Much better coffee than I had yesterday, even though it has a slight taste of hazelnut, which I hate, it's still a step up) I think about stuff. Not particularly interesting things, nor are they relevant, meaningful, insightful, or world-changing. I wonder about things like why we, as humans, have decided it'd be "just fine" to pickle an egg. Eggs stand pretty good on their own, ya know. I tried pickling eggs once, and you know what they tasted like? Eggs, with a splash of brine... Maybe I didn't do it right. I think there is still a sealed bucket of long-ago pickled eggs in my backyard. Why didn't anyone eat them? Are they still good? Maybe I could dress them up a little and serve them at a party? Could they be our next sustainable fuel source? These are the questions that run through my mind.

I also wonder what's on TV, and as usual the answer is blaringly apparent - there is NOTHING good on TV. You know why? Because if it was stimulating, intelligent entertainment, 90% of the people in the world wouldn't understand it. Throw some claptrap on the screen about rich housewives arguing over who gets the wear the $100,000 dress and it appeals to everyone. Because people are stupid, and don't know any better.

And worms, I think about worms. They seem to have a good life for simple organisms that swim around underground eating dirt or whatever. But what if I were a worm with an inner ear imbalance (I know, worms don't have ears), and I could only chew through dirt in circles? Eventually it'd be more excrement than dirt. I'd be circling around in my own little ring of shit and wouldn't know it because my sense of taste had slowly adapted. It's starting to sound a lot like being human and watching a lot of bad TV while eating poorly pickled eggs...

Anyway, that's the sort of thing that crosses my mind, every minute of every day.

If you are intrigued by these thoughts, and should like to subscribe to my newsletter, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to 666 Hell Way, Insanity Island, CA, 94117

kloveyabye! an' may yer bloomers ne'er ride up o'er yer peepers.

Frank

I Blog because YOU asked me to.

Asking me why I made a blog is like asking me why I drink. I drink because it makes me funnier, more charming, personable, entertaining, and easier to get along with - and it generally makes OTHER people (yeah, I mean YOU) more tolerable.

Imagine me 4 hours into a grueling shift at work without having had A) a cigarette since I started. (yeah, I smoke too, shup!) and B) A drink to keep me even. ... I start hating people. even my best friends. even folks I know nothing about. even people I have frequent sexual fantasies about. You don't want to know that side of me. It's an ugly ugly side. But hey! here's me, smiling and laughing and being that guy you think, "hey this guy's kinda cool I want to know what's on his mind." - You can thank beer for that - and weed - and genetics - and me just being a generally cool guy.

I'm gonna go ahead and delve into some deeper issues here.

I like poltics. Not current event type politics. Not the kind you have to know whom is whom and who is the constituent of whom and who opposes who's ideals. Just the idea of the thing. "I believe in this and you believe in this too, so basically we're on the same side of the fence." I'm starting to think though, that this may be an awful lot of fences. I'm starting to forget what fence is which and who's fence is who. Fences are for the intolerant of new ideas. I'm on a missive to tear down as many fences as I can. Anybody who agrees with me meet me at the side gate, I have a worn screwdriver and a pair of needle-nose pliers; sorry, that's the mass of my capability, but we could compare tools and see what we have to work with. Let's build some kinda scaffolding or treehouse, or you know, whatever it takes. Do we need a permit or just landlords permission? Do you have any extra wood just layin' around? Think about it.

I also like religion. It answers a lot of questions. Not like, "now where did I leave those keys?" kinda questions, but it answers questions about who we are. Am I a person who could believe in some mystical power that can not be observed but yet must be believed in, as opposed to a logistic view that says everything can be explained by some "simple mathematical formula" that we have not discovered yet because it is too complex? Is that question even answerable? Can I define myself by my beliefs? Wouldn't that save a lot of time at the polls, in most peoples cases? 

Jesus [  ]
Incomprehensible math [  ]
Gore-ism [X]

BAM! problem solved.

I like this. I'm gonna keep blogging.

kloveyabye!~

Frank

These are a few of my favorite things.

My iPod: 10 years ago I thought my mp3 cd player was the shit! Now I carry around the 10% of my music collection I actually listen to (among some stuff I am ashamed is even on there)

My Laptop: I've always thought, "Macs are stupid, maybe if they could put it in a tiny handheld device that could Play music and videos and stuff, then it'd be cool (see; My iPod, above)" - my laptop is a PC, it runs Windows Vista (sux, I know) - but at least the OS is not named after a kitty-cat and I can download stuff FOR FREE on it.

My XBox 360 - got PS3? isn't that a keyboard plug? I have all my favorite games. It rules.

My Nintendo DS: It's kinda new, but the Korg DS-10 app I got for it makes it SO worthwhile - Supposedly I can learn piano on it too.

My Lady: She's cool, she lives kinda far away. Most people think she's fictional. Not me.

My new flatscreen TV: I hate TV, but I love mine. I can hook it up to the computer and watch whatever the hell I want.

My twin brother moving out to San Francisco to live in my house as my roommate: Man, I hate him so much. But I love him so much too, it's awesome having family around after being on my own for so long. The stuff we fight about is a FAMILIAR fight. It feels good, ya know?

My friends: They're not cool, they're not awesome, but they chose to admire and respect ME, and that redeems them somehow in my eyes. I have tons of stories about ALL of them, and with their permission I will glop those tales over you, the readers, sad sad eyes.

My job: As much as I complain, I have never had a nicer job. And my boss is easy on the eyes, that don't hurt.

My apartment and my FOUR DAMNED ROOMMATES: (see: Twin above) - Including my bro, some of the best damned people I ever met. There's Mike, he's been my best friend since right after I moved to SF, he's smart, a kickass pool player, similar interests, etc. Then there's Bryan, an ambitious filmmaker, also an ex-coworker, and long time friend. Then there is Irish Dave. Notice how the sentence ends there.

My landlord: He's the most patient and kind person I've ever had to continually give money to.

My Neighborhood: The lower haight is the most non-pretentious, straightforward, spit in your face if you don't like it, varied, and scary neighborhoods in the city. Living here is living REAL. It's forever my home unless I win the lottery and buy a small island some day.

The Lottery: eh. I can dream can't I? even tho I don't buy tickets, I imagine one day I'll be walking down the street, on a foggy yet blustery San Francisco evening, and TWAP!, winning ticket, right to the cornea.

Meat: I eat animals. Not cute fuzzy ones. Big blundering fat ones that aren't smart or ambulatory enough to get away. I've always had a VERY fast metabolism, ask me to pinch an inch and you can feed me two sandwiches and wait five minutes for a narrow window of opportunity to do just so. And that's why I need fat and gristle in my diet.

Beer: I forget why, but it's delicious.

Weed: What was the question?

...

I hope that explains a few things.

kloveyabye, your fan,

Frank

Shellshock!

in case you have been pondering what my mysterious visage may look like, here is a sample. That's the guy, Officer!

I've started a blog!

Why? Due to popular demand (one guy said, "hey, you should start a blog")

When? Now, I guess... It's either this or chain-smoke and complain about the world to an empty room.

Where? In my room. Naked. With a blow-torch and 12 pennies. Let's see where this goes.

Why? Really? Again? I told you why, cause you NEED this.

I suppose I should tell you what I did today. I made a bunch of burgers for a bunch of friends, compatriots and well wishers. I had help. Scott and Charlie are my willing minions in my plan to upset every person who comes in and orders, either by asking them to stop staring at me, cause this ain't the zoo, and I ain't no monkey; or by simply refusing to make them first because they demand it. One guy got especially upset about this today, and walked out, and I sold his burger to the next guy that ordered. I guess we did ok.

Yesterday I helped my friend get his Tiger Woods PGA Tour character up to snuff. Now he is unbeatable, unless he plays me. And he has a nice power tie and has upgraded his haberdasherie.

I also like to make art and games. The art hasn't been touched for a while, but it could still happen! I guess the games haven't either, but that's ok, I've got a good 40-50 years left to finish all this stuff.

I turned 40 last year. that was fun. Let's not do THAT again.

I'm spent, and beer beckons. Until that fateful day when I write what I'm REALLY feeling, stay tuned, and hope I can hold back long enough to stave off the inevitable alienation and deciet you will all feel when I expose my TRUE mind.

Spellcheck (meh, good enough!) and post, and I can say I did something productive today beyond feeding the masses, walking on water, and doing good deeds in an other, less literal sense. They were deeds, and I felt good.

Keep on keepin' on, and tune in tomorrow, so I can regale you with awesome stories of lives saved, heroic efforts, anti-draconian measures, demons felled, and other completely fictional aspects of my life.

kloveyabye! fo'twenty fo'eva!

Frank